The Unvarnished Truth of Paul Revere

Down through the years, we have heard an everembellished story of a rather simple character in the early history of our country and our struggle for freedom from the yoke of tyranny.  The truth of the matter differs greatly from the accepted story. I shall try, in my humble way, to set the record straight.

 A certain John Doe who was rector at the First Baptist Church of Boston had a friend who was a dock worker and warehouseman for the goods that arrived in Boston by sea.  John's friend was named Paul Revere.  Paul was a poor man who lived in the warehouse where the goods were stored and had never had need of riding a horse.

The two men watched the steady buildup of British Troops in the Boston area and became aware that they were preparing to either ship out or march to attack the ragtag group of rebels down at a little town called Concord.  There was a lot of good grapes at Concord and was headquarters for a company called Welch's.  The buddies didn't want the British to interrupt their supply of jelly so they schemed to alert the rebels of the movement of the British but they needed to determine if the British were coming on horseback or via Skiido.

They decided to steal a horse from the riding academy on the other side of the river and Paul would be ready to ride  with the warning as soon as John signaled the movement.  John saw that they were warming up the Skiido and boarding some ferry boats and he signalled Paul Revere to hit the trail with the news.  Now herein lies the rub; as afore stated, Paul had never ridden a horse or even had occasion to saddle one.

All the necessary rigging had been stolen and The horse had a halter on his head and the bridle lay on the ground.  The National Finals Rodeo was in town and the horse they had stolen just happened to be from the pen of the finest bucking stock.  The horse had been through this routine many times before and never moved as the fancy silver laden Mexican saddle was thrown on his back.  Paul buckled the cinch in place but didn't bother to pull it very tight.  The horse refused the bridle and Paul decided to just neck rein with the halter as he had seen others do.

On  the right side of the horse, he put his left foot in the stirrup and was able to swing atop the horse but something was wrong.  He seemed to be looking where the horse had been instead of where they were going.  About that time, Mr. Horse decide it was time for his eight second show to start and, without ceremony, he unloaded Paul Revere.  In the process, the saddle slipped underneath Mr. Horse's belly.  Now a saddle under your belly can be very irritating and Mr. Horse decided to hit the road.  Acting quickly, Paul Revere grabbed the tail.

In this manner, they proceeded down the road chosen by the horse which just happene to be toward the Lexington Bridge and Welch's Jelly Factory.  Paul was flapping at each of the horse's strides clinging like a permanent appendage to the tail and all the time shouting, "The British Are Coming!"  In this manner, Paul Revere crossed the bridge at Lexington; with an unbridled horse, saddle hanging 'neath its belly,lather from the horse covering Paul Revere's head and shoulders as he desperately clung to the tail.

In summary, Paul Revere didn't ride and it wasn't about the tax on tea; They were just protecting our delicious Concord Grape Jelly.  I know these facts to be true because I am Paul Revere.